Date: the 31st of July
TW: this is definetly a very sensitive and heavy topic and may be upsetting for some readers. Please be mindful of this when reading.
I can't believe out of all the things I could've talked about this is my first post. My mind still hasn't fully processed this if I'm being honest - I only found out a few hours ago. Due to events that happened in my childhood, I typically struggle with processing negative emotions, but this is something I can't run away from.
Every child secretly knows that they'll have to face the reality of their parents' mortality at some point, but you never really think it'll happen to you of all people. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon.
Having to sit down with her an talk about wills and selling our countryside home when I know that's the place she wanted to grow old in, is just something I can't wrap my head around. What about my brothers? They need her too. So do I. I may be an adult, but I can't think of facing this harsh world when I feel so lost. I'm scared. I feel like I'm 12 all over again.
It's still very early days - the doctors are still conducting tests and figuring out the best course of action going forward. I'm trying to stay positive or at least try not think about it too much.
I feel like I can't sit alone otherwise I'm going to start spiralling - about everyone hurting around me and about me not being able to do anything about it. I'm trying to keep myself busy, though it's not really solving anything. I just don't really know what else to do.
Another thing that bothers me is how little I can really be here for her. I live in a different city day to day and only get to visit on weekends. I wish I could be there for her more, but it's just not possible right now with everything going on in my life right now. I can't really just drop everything as well - not without dropping myself too. I feel so incredibly conflicted and by the looks of it things aren't going to get any easier.
Me and my mom haven't had the best relationship, so it's hard to know how I can support her through this. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her, unsure of what to say or do. I want to be there for her, but I also don't want to make things even worse. Do I just pretend everything is okay? Do I acknowledge the situation and risk making her feel worse? I really don't know...
I just feel so removed from my own life at this point. I feel like I'm just watching everything unfolding before me - one by one falling apart. I really want to end on a positive not but I don't think I'm in the right headspace to do that for you. I'm sorry.
I just hope that things will get better in the future. That's all I can really hold on to right now.
